Episode 69: Sending Your Student to College

Episode 69

• Episode 69 Transcript

  [00:00:07] BHA: Life is full of firsts, from our first steps to our first car, to the first time we leave home to attend the college of our choice.

  [00:00:14] BT: But no one faces life's milestones alone. Experiencing every new phase alongside us are the family members who nurture and cheer us on. I’m Brooke Thames from Bucknell University, and this episode of College Admissions Insider is for those family members who are preparing to send their student off into their next new phase: college.

  [00:00:32] BHA: I'm Becca Haupt Aldredge, also from Bucknell. Today, we'll hear advice for navigating the emotions, shifting dynamics and increasing independence that comes with your child's first year away.

  [00:00:43] BT: Our experts are John and Son Huang, two Bucknell parents who have experienced this transition multiple times with multiple children. Welcome to the podcast.

  [00:00:50] SH: Thank you for having us today.

  [00:00:52] JH: Hi, Brooke. Hi, Becca. Thanks for having us.

  [00:00:54] BHA: I'd love to start by hearing a bit more about each of your college students — or your college graduates if they've completed their education.

  [00:01:01] JH: Sure, Becca. So we have three children. Our oldest, Nicholas, is a 2019 graduate from Bucknell's College of Engineering. He studied chemical engineering, and he pursued a career in the finance industry and is currently an analyst with a boutique investment bank in New York City. While he was at Bucknell, Nicholas rowed for the Men's Crew team. He also lived at the entrepreneurship and innovation Affinity House. He studied abroad in New Zealand for a semester, and he was also a team member for the Student Managed Investment Fund.

  Our youngest son, Jack, is a rising senior at Bucknell, and he expects to graduate next year with a degree in biomedical engineering. Jack is a member of the Engineering Success Alliance and also the e-NABLE prosthetic club, and he's currently living at the Quest e-sports Affinity House. Our middle child, Kimberly, is an occupational therapist. She lives and practices in York County, Pennsylvania. She did not have a chance to attend Bucknell because of her major, of course.

  [00:02:04] BT: It sounds like you have some very accomplished students and graduates. So obviously, you've been through the college drop-off experience several times. But let's chat about that first time you sent a child off to college. How much did you need to prepare them for living more independently as far as those practical survival skills?

  [00:02:22] SH: Pretty much. When our oldest went off to college, Nicholas, I had to make sure that he was able to do his own laundry skills. So we started that right around middle school. But as high school rolled around, he was doing, pretty much, his own laundry.

  Then usually, when they're 16, they're working somewhere. So we opened a checking account for him with a debit card so that he was getting used to being able to manage his own money before he went off to school. Then he really did not get a Visa credit card until he went off to study abroad. That Visa card I opened under my name, and he was a secondary co-owner. I pretty much told him the basic rules and responsibility of having that card.

  Pretty much just to remind him when he went off to keep his room neat and tidy. I'm sure his roommate would have appreciated that, and not to live as a slob. Then, of course, as a freshman, they don't really need to cook because they're all eating in the dining room. But the second year, it is helpful if they do know the basics of cooking. That would be like how long to cook a hard-boiled egg and silly little things like that. So whatever basic skills they have from a sophomore on, I would say, would be very helpful because, by then, they're either living in an apartment or some type of co-sharing, kitchen-style type of dorm.

  [00:03:50] JH: For our oldest son, Nicholas, we were very surprised how much his cooking skills just flourished when he was abroad in New Zealand because they did not really have a normal cafeteria-style setup for upperclassmen. So when he came back, we were very impressed with how much chicken recipes he had and things like that.

  [00:04:09] BHA: That's awesome, and it's funny. Brooke called them “survival skills,” but it sounds like they truly are, right? Being able to manage your finances and your nutrition and also your personal hygiene and do your laundry. Can we talk a little bit more about the emotional side? What did you do as parents during the months leading up to your student’s first semester, and how did you navigate challenging emotions?

  [00:04:28] JH: Yes, Becca. I think kind of our main approach is to help minimize anxiety. I think there can be a lot of buildup and drama about, “Hey, you're getting ready for college. Your senior year is a big year. And getting ready to move off to a school, out of the house.” Yes, it's pretty big deal. It could be fun, but it can also be traumatic. So we just tried to kind of keep emotions kind of manageable and not make it so much of a traumatic, big deal but more of an interesting, and a fun, and exciting, and anticipatory big deal.

  We've always thought that kids tend to live up or down to parental expectations. So we just tried to set their expectations on more the positive side of things. You're going to be learning, obviously, a lot of new things. You're going to be meeting a lot of new people. You're going to be networking with professors, other students, graduates down the road. So we try to keep them focused on what the fun things and the exciting things would be in the future.

  I think the other thing would be to try and set questions in a positive way, instead of a nagging way. So for example, I’ll just throw this out, like class schedule, right? We want to make sure the kids are registering for classes on time. I don't really remember how that worked back then, but I would ask Nicholas things like, “Hey, are you excited about getting your class schedule?” instead of asking a question like, “Hey, did you schedule your classes yet?” Simple things like that I think try to set the tone in more of a positive way, as opposed to kind of a nagging helicopter parent role, which I try not to do that too much.

  [00:06:13] BT: Yes. As exciting as this transition can be, it can also be stressful and even sometimes scary for a student. Not just for them but for their parents as well. Many colleges and universities try to really mitigate that stress and that anxiety in that first-day experience when you're dropping your student off.

  So jumping forward to that experience, I mean, here at Bucknell, parents are invited and encouraged to spend time on campus with their student during the first day of New Student Orientation. So what stands out to you about that experience, and how did that help you in your transition?

  [00:06:43] SH: Brooke, that first day when you drop off your student, it's very bittersweet day. You're excited for them, but yet you're also very sad because they're leaving the house, and you don't get to see them every day and be a part of their day-to-day things. So that day, you just want to try to stay positive.

  What I did was I asked Nicholas if I could take a picture of his schedule that day, so it's on my phone. That's just a great way to — if you're thinking of them — you take a look at their schedule for that day. Are they free? If so, you could maybe give a text or a call. So you just don't want to text them randomly because you don't know if they're in class or if they're having some type of a project. Sometimes, they might forget to put their phone on silent, and the last thing they need is to have a dinging sound from a text message from mom in the middle of class.

  Also, you want to let them be their own person when you drop them off and know that they're going to make mistakes, and that's okay. You don't need to rescue them. Let them figure it out, how they can resolve their own issues. Now, if they need help, and they ask you, well, then, of course, jump in. But don't meddle because they are an adult, and they need to figure that out. I try to remember what it was like when I first went off to school or I first was on my first job. I had to figure it out.

  But mostly, be excited for them on that day. Don't worry because it can dampen their spirit. You want to be high energy and just have a good send-off for them on that day.

  [00:08:17] JH: I'll add two things to that. I was really impressed with how much communication we had from Bucknell going through that last couple of months before college started for Nicholas, our oldest son. We felt like we were getting emails, and things like that just kept us up to date on what would be going on. That was the first reaction I had.

  Second reaction was even more the same when we dropped Jack off. So Jack graduated from high school in 2020. He was a COVID high school grad. So coming to Bucknell fall of 2020, there was also a lot of communication. I think there's a lot of uncertainty going on at that time. We felt as parents that we knew what was going on with Jack's upcoming starting semester at Bucknell. We were really appreciative of that.

  The other thing that was really cool about drop-off — I remember this vividly when we dropped Nicholas off a long time ago — we pulled up the campus. We're starting to drop his stuff off on the curbside, and some kid like looks at him from across the street and like, “Hey, are you Nick?” I was wondering, “Where does he know this person from?” There was like a portal where some of the students got to know other students that were coming into the same incoming class, and it was so neat to see that happen very quickly.

  The same thing happened with Jack when he entered into class, into Bucknell about five years later. It's just so neat to see that that connection had already started happening. As a parent, I know that wasn't planned. But that gave me this sense of, “Oh, that's great. They're already meeting people that they kind of know online.” So that was just neat to see that.

  [00:10:01] BHA: Those are some great tips about that first day and for first drop-off. I especially like keeping a picture of your student’s schedule. That's really thoughtful. I have to imagine, the one way to bug your student would be to reach out when they're not available. So that’s very considerate.

  But when you’re thinking about reaching out — and it might be tempting to check in or to maybe worry a little bit — what other advice would you have regarding communication with your child once they’ve started their semester?

  [00:10:27] JH: I remember this during the parent Orientation that we had during Nicholas’s drop-off. At the time, I think we went into a session at the College of Engineering, and one of the associate deans gave a few suggestions. One thing that she said kind of stuck with me, and I share this with parents frequently. She said, “Hey, don’t worry. We take good care of your children. We know that they are your most precious treasure. But try to give them space, especially in those first couple of weeks. Try not to call them every day.”

  Texting is a little bit different because they can manage that offline. But try not to overwhelm them, especially during the first few days of Orientation. Then after that, they’re trying to figure out where the buildings are, where the classrooms are located. They’re meeting new friends. They’re adjusting to a new schedule. So we tried to not just inundate Nicholas when he went off with a bunch of questions.

  One thing we did before he left was we kind of made a little bit of a deal. ‘Look, we're not going to be helicopter parents and checking on you all the time. But how about if we can act as a family on a regular basis?” We had what we just called them family chat time or family FaceTime. We usually did it, I think, on a Sunday evening. We would FaceTime Nicholas. Then Kimberly and Jack would join us. We would just talk for a little bit. Sometimes, they were three- minutes talks like, “Hey, Nicholas.” He was busy. He is in the middle of a project.

  But what was kind of cool, especially when he went abroad for a semester. At that time, his sister, Kimberly, was in her freshman year, we still kept doing those family FaceTimes once in a while. It was neat to just be able to see five faces at the same time. Even now once in a while, when Jack was a junior at Bucknell — our oldest son's working in New York City, our daughter is married, and she's living separately from us — we will still have family FaceTimes once in a while.

  So that was a good deal that we made at the beginning of Nicholas's efforts. It's kind of paid off. We don't do it every week, but we're probably down to once every couple of weeks during school now. But it's fun to be able to do that.

  [00:12:40] BT: Yes. That regular family FaceTime or call is such a good idea for your student to not only stay in touch with parents but also siblings or other family members that they might be apart from for possibly the very first time. Which brings up the point also that parents aren't the only people who are adjusting in this period. It's also siblings or other family members who are affected by that shift. So how did that transition affect your other children, and how did you all handle that as a family, in addition to those regular calls?

  [00:13:07] SH: The first couple days are kind of hard. It just feels like it's a little bit different because one of the family members is not there. The dynamic changes too, especially for younger siblings. They just feel like, “Oh, it just feels weird.” An older brother, an older sister isn't around them. So that's probably a good time as a parent to just say, “Hey, have you heard from your brother? Or have you heard from your sister recently?” If they say no, you can kind of just quietly say, “Oh, maybe if you want to check in with them that might be kind of fun and cool.” Then that way, it isn't always the parent checking in with your student, but it's the siblings checking in too, and it's a great way for them to be able to connect.

  [00:13:53] JH: For whatever reason, we've always found that siblings respond to siblings faster than they will respond to mom or dad when it's just a, “Hey, how are you doing,” chat.

  [00:14:03] SH: Sometimes, they share certain things with their siblings that they don't always share with their parents too. So you can kind of get some inside information that way.

  [00:14:11] BHA: That's a great strategy. So having done this three times, have you found that the entire process gets easier with each child? Or is it entirely new every time?

  [00:14:21] JH: Becca, that's a good question. I guess I would say yes and no. In a sense, yes, it's easier because you have a sense of what to expect. For us, since we had three children, each drop-off was kind of unique. The first one with Nicholas, our first child's going off to school. The second one with Kimberly, our only daughter was going off to school. Then the third drop-off with Jack, our last child's going off to school. So I'm pretty sure there were some tears after each one of those drop-offs. I won't say where those tears came from, but it definitely was a unique kind of separation each time.

  Yes, obviously, each of our children are different, right? There's a different dynamic. We had other siblings with us when we dropped off one of their siblings. I don't know if…I guess Nicholas and Kimberly were probably not necessarily with us when we dropped off Jack, the youngest. But it was each drop-off was different. I can still picture each of those three when we did them. Yes, it was easier maybe. But it was still difficult.

  But after the first 5 or 10 minutes of driving away from campus, then you kind of sit back and think they're going to be exploring a new world, right? You're kind of excited for them, and you just want to see how things are going to turn out and what kind of person that they are going to kind of morph into over their years of school. So we were excited for them on all three occasions.

  [00:15:58] BT: Although the experience with each child may have been different, one thing that they all do have in common is that you both are their parents. So with all of your children that have gone up to college, are there particular ways that you've prepared them all to step into adulthood and navigate the world on their own kind of for the first time?

  [00:16:15] SH: Brooke, the summer that they're home before they enter into college, it's kind of the time that you need to spend with them because it's really going to be…for me, it's like the last summer to really spend time with them. Because once they're in school and summer comes, you never know what their own plans are because they're an adult. Some could be doing an internship. They could be working. They could be studying abroad. So really, that transition summer from high school going into college, I viewed that as my time with them.

  So make that the best that you could do. Take them out to lunch. Take them out to dinner. Talk to them about some of the things that they might experience, the different people and their background that they're going to meet. They're going to meet people from all around the world because college is this community of like this one great big pot where various cultures and various people are coming into school. So they're going to be able to meet a lot of different backgrounds, a lot of different people with different religions and social status. So just kind of broaden their mind and give them that expectation that they're going to get to experience that. So they're not so tunnel vision going, “Okay, I went to high school. It's probably more or less the same.” It's completely on a different level. So that way, you kind of set the stage for them that they won't be surprised when they meet different people.

  Then I've always just reminded them to show kindness and compassion, and take the initiative to be helpful to those around them because not all students might have the same experience that you have. So just treat others how you want to be treated. So that goes a long, long way because in the end, who we are is what matters and not what we've experienced, or what we have, or what we've done.

  [00:18:10] JH: Yes, one thing that we thought was neat with each of our three children, but especially Nicholas and Jack, going to Bucknell where there are so many kids from different backgrounds and from different areas, Nicholas and Jack both…turned out that some of their best friends were from completely different backgrounds, from completely different parts of the country, from different economic backgrounds, racial backgrounds, in different majors as well. It’s so neat to just see that.

  We live in a relatively small town. So it was fun for us to see that they were very comfortable in just kind of befriending others who were very unlike them. For both Nicholas and Jack, we are home during breaks. It became, in some cases, a home away from home for some of their friends who didn't necessarily want to fly all the way home to Texas, or up to Boston, or something like that. So we would sometimes have a couple of Bucknell kids at our house during break, and we really…we're going to miss that when Jack graduates from Bucknell.

  [00:19:17] BHA: This episode has been so full of all sorts of tidbits, of advice and insights and wisdom from each of you. But I'd love to close with maybe some advice for the parents who are sending their child off to college in a matter of months or even weeks at the time that this episode airs. So how would you advise that they make the most of this time with their student before move-in day?

  [00:19:38] JH: Son talked about kind of this special like lunch date or dinner date or something like that. I think it's sometimes nice if their two parents can do this separately with the kids to just talk to them a little bit about, “Hey, for me, this was what college was like when I went to school forever ago.” I'm sure there'll be some things that are different, but there are going to be some things that will be the same. I'll ask — I asked Nicholas, or Kimberly, or Jack — “What questions do you have for me?” I've been through this maybe on a different scale. “What are some of the things you might be worried about? What are things that you're excited about?” Just chances to have conversations to just give them opportunities to maybe offload or verbally process some of the thoughts going through their minds.

  I think the main thing I wanted to let them know was, “Hey, no matter what happens — even though you are independent, you're on your own when you head to school — we're always a text or a phone call away. No matter what happens, let us know. We can be here to either provide advice or to help you out in whatever way you need help.” So that was pretty much all that I did.

  [00:20:50] SH: I just want to reiterate earlier when I said be excited for your student. Your student might be maybe a little nervous or a little shy, not knowing what to expect. But if you're excited for them, that excitement will rub off on them because you're happy for them. It's a new adventure for them, so be excited about that.

  Also, make the most of the summer months that you have left with your student and enjoy that time. Then most of all, just love on them and know that they'll be okay on their own. Remember when you were on your own for the first time, and then enjoy them because the time will go so quickly. Know that you did a great job raising them. Now, it's their turn to be an adult.

  [00:21:36] BT: Well, I think this episode has been so full of great insight for our parents and families that might be listening. So thank you so much to John and Son for joining us.

  [00:21:45] SH: Thank you for having us. ’ray Bucknell! it's been fun.

  [00:21:49] JH: Yes. Brooke, Becca, thank you very much. We’re just excited to have been part of this.

  [00:21:53] BHA: Thanks to everyone out there listening. If you're a fan of the podcast, please take a moment to rate, subscribe and share this episode with the parents and families in your life.

  [00:22:02] BT: We'll be back with another episode in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, send your questions, comments, and episode ideas to podcast@bucknell.edu. We read every note that arrives in our inbox.

  [00:22:12] BHA: Finally, you're invited to follow Bucknell on your favorite social media apps. Just look for @bucknellu on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and TikTok. You can also follow our student-run Instagram account which is @iamraybucknell.

  [00:22:27] BT: Until next time, keep on reaching for your dreams and your dream school.